better late than never i guess...
so in my last post i mentioned i was totally willing to date within my decade (up to 40 since i'm 30 - date men between the ages of 30-40). so three weeks ago i had date #19, who is 37 years of age. he's cute and established (continental) in his pics, and we go to brunch. the second time i've gone to brunch on a first date. we know how i feel about this; i'm loving it. #19 in real life looks far older than his pics, and the bags under his eyes are enough to take my entire wardrobe on a trip around the world. mean, sorry but true. he was nice though. no spark. after deciding halfway through brunch that i'm not feeling a spark, we are smoking a cigarette afterwards (side note - #2 and #9 aka "the ass-grabber" were the only two smokers i've been on a date with) and #19 reveals that for the first few years that he lived here after moving, he did not own a bed. in fact, he kept it "minimal" after his divorce and had an air mattress and a chair in his apartment. only recently did he treat himself to his first, very own bed in a bag. he explained that it was liberating to have so few material possessions beyond his clothes and vehicle.
i wish you could see my face right now. not then, because i hid my emotions pretty well. i mean i don't know what his situation was after his divorce; maybe his ex-wife cleaned him out of house and furniture and that's why he was so minimalist (and not in a good way). or maybe it seemed "bohemian" and that's why he told me. it wasn't "bohemian" or impressive to me; all i could think was "loser." again, mean, but i'm keeping it real.
which leads me to my next point - while i'm glad these men feel so comfortable around me that they are compelled to tell me these types of things, it makes me weary. maybe it's the fact that i have somewhat of a hard time trusting men that are more than just platonic to me, but it's almost desperate in my opinion. why, oh why #19, would you tell me such a thing? i mean i'm all about laying my cards out on the table, but it's not like i'm going to tell a guy i drop clothes bombs on yr moms (had to get an ice cube reference in - i'm referring to my often-times messy room, which consists solely of clothes everywhere in that "i don't know what the hell i'm wearing" morning frenzy...don't worry it's clean now) or that i'm in therapy because i want to work on bettering myself - all in due time. it does make me wonder whether people actually believe on working towards trust in a loving relationship, or if they're under the impression that relationships materialize out of thin air.
so, in light of this, i realize i do need to expand my dating horizons beyond the throes of online dating, or at least the site i'm on...i'm on a free one, but i'm considering if i should go frou-frou with my online dating and go to a paid site. i hear it's still all the same people. i have a friend who constantly tells me i need to go the matchmaking route (did i mention i so wanted to be on vh1's tough love? and sent in my application? but i guess my soul-searching was too bland for tv). maybe speed dating is next...to my single ladies, gear up! i fully expect you to join me.
9.26.2010
30s - the middle child of ages
so having recently turned 30 and freaking out tremendously about it (as my last post was only the tip of the iceberg), i thought why not? let's clear the air.
i look at my 30s as the middle child of ages - yr not youthful anymore (goodbye 20s and irresponsibility), but yr not quite old (hello 40s, "established," "seasonal," "continental" as one friend put it). and it's definitely an interesting decade to be single.
granted i've only been 30 for less than a month, but looking around it's crazy. the majority of my friends are either married, engaged, in a relationship, have children or a combination of the aforementioned. i can literally count the amount of single grrlfriends i have on both hands (in their 30s-40s). i also have plenty of friends who are legally separated or divorced, with or without kids. so our experiences, although different, are sometimes similar in their own right.
sometimes it's hard being in my current situation: i'm 30, single, living with my momsies (and soon to be uncle). that can put a damper on things since i don't want a potential mate to meet my family until i know he's committed. while i was completely insecure about it before, i realize it's who i am now: i'm a 30-something dutchorican living with momsies. and that's totally okay! accept it or as jay-z would say, "on to the next one."
but it's hard at the same time to look around at everyone else and say that i feel okay with where i'm at. because let's face it: what fun is life if you don't have that one person to share it with? what fun is going through the crazy roller coaster that can be our experiences if there isn't that one person yr emotionally intimate with? i'm not talking about yr best friend, sibling or family member. but i guess dating is like the lottery - you gotta play to win.
what i'm finding though is the men i've come into contact with over the years either want to be my friend or just get physical. or the ones that do want a relationship want it to materialize out of thin air. what's up with that? what kind of vibe am i sending out? or is it that they can't handle this? or they don't want to work for it? i'm still marinating on that one.
so being 30, i'm implementing a new rule for dating that someone told me they used when they were still single (now happily married for quite some time with kids), and i really liked it - date within yr decade. so i'm expanding my horizons to include older men (up to 40). let's see how many i can find that are completely single, no kids, never been married. because what i'm finding as i get older is that is so hard to come by.
i was out with one of my older grrlfriends the other night(a total cougar in her own right - grown kids, single, smokin' bod, i wish i look as good as her when i grow up!), and i struck up a conversation with a guy who's 38, single with children, and very attractive. when asked, i told him i had never been married or had any kids. you know what this one told me? that i was "a rarity." really? i guess i never knew.
i look at my 30s as the middle child of ages - yr not youthful anymore (goodbye 20s and irresponsibility), but yr not quite old (hello 40s, "established," "seasonal," "continental" as one friend put it). and it's definitely an interesting decade to be single.
granted i've only been 30 for less than a month, but looking around it's crazy. the majority of my friends are either married, engaged, in a relationship, have children or a combination of the aforementioned. i can literally count the amount of single grrlfriends i have on both hands (in their 30s-40s). i also have plenty of friends who are legally separated or divorced, with or without kids. so our experiences, although different, are sometimes similar in their own right.
sometimes it's hard being in my current situation: i'm 30, single, living with my momsies (and soon to be uncle). that can put a damper on things since i don't want a potential mate to meet my family until i know he's committed. while i was completely insecure about it before, i realize it's who i am now: i'm a 30-something dutchorican living with momsies. and that's totally okay! accept it or as jay-z would say, "on to the next one."
but it's hard at the same time to look around at everyone else and say that i feel okay with where i'm at. because let's face it: what fun is life if you don't have that one person to share it with? what fun is going through the crazy roller coaster that can be our experiences if there isn't that one person yr emotionally intimate with? i'm not talking about yr best friend, sibling or family member. but i guess dating is like the lottery - you gotta play to win.
what i'm finding though is the men i've come into contact with over the years either want to be my friend or just get physical. or the ones that do want a relationship want it to materialize out of thin air. what's up with that? what kind of vibe am i sending out? or is it that they can't handle this? or they don't want to work for it? i'm still marinating on that one.
so being 30, i'm implementing a new rule for dating that someone told me they used when they were still single (now happily married for quite some time with kids), and i really liked it - date within yr decade. so i'm expanding my horizons to include older men (up to 40). let's see how many i can find that are completely single, no kids, never been married. because what i'm finding as i get older is that is so hard to come by.
i was out with one of my older grrlfriends the other night(a total cougar in her own right - grown kids, single, smokin' bod, i wish i look as good as her when i grow up!), and i struck up a conversation with a guy who's 38, single with children, and very attractive. when asked, i told him i had never been married or had any kids. you know what this one told me? that i was "a rarity." really? i guess i never knew.
9.22.2010
let's talk epic fail. or not. you make the call.
#16 is a nice guy, he really is. #16 was from my last post (the one who literally moved here weeks ago from OH). we went out for one drink so he could go home and write code. yes code. again way smarter than me (at least when it comes to that). and true to his pics, he's built like a brick shithouse. so we go to a bar, and we get our one drink, and as we're wandering around (he's never been there before), he doesn't want to sit off in a corner and kind of wants to be in the action but at a place we can still hear each other and talk. fair enough. but with music blasting from a speaker in my ear and the tons of chatter around, it's difficult to hear. especially since although we are sitting, he is literally a foot taller than me (more than that, he's 6'3") with a low, deep voice.
so one drink, okay convo until we start talking about music. this gets him excited about how much i have (vinyl, external hard drive, multiple genres) and he suggests the next time we hang out he comes over to my house and we go through it all. so as you know (or don't) i live with my momsies and my uncle is getting ready to move in (my bro moved out in july). me, uncle and momsies. i tell him that is cool and he could even meet my mom (please note although i used a sarcastic tone, i was being totally serious. i mean you come to my house, i live with my mom, it's totally going to happen). idk if it was the way i worded it but he was like "oh that's too soon." yeah you think? first off ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you, you only meet my family if you are in like flynn (too many austin power references today) and there are/were very few romantic interests of mine that make it to that. i mean come on, am i really going to let you meet my momsies? hell no unless you are at least my "don't call him my boyfriend boyfriend," or as liz would say "wtf (insert guy's name here)."
so i'm 30 and live with my mom. i'm also 1/2 puerto rican and that's how we operate on a cultural level. common american societal pressures dictate this whole independence thing and say when we're 30, we should have it all together right? i mean i totally freaked out about "i'm 30, single, living with my family" etc. so what did i do? i consolidated my debts and bought life insurance. that's responsible yes, but why do i care? while my mom drives me crazy sometimes (and trust me, i know that's reciprocated), it's okay i live with her. it's okay i'm still single. there's nothing REALLY telling me these things, so why am i buying into it? no more letting societal pressures dictate this life of mine, nope.
so i found it profoundly interesting that this man made that comment. it sucks writing this sometimes, there's no inflection. but if you could have heard him say that "oh it's too soon" comment, you would've heard the condescending, judgmental tone that translated to "oh you live with yr mom." epic fail on his part - if a man can't handle the fact that i am close enough with my mom to live with her - then that's a deal breaker. if a man can handle that, i'll think about letting him meet momsies when we hit the "wtf (insert guy's name here)" stage.
so one drink, okay convo until we start talking about music. this gets him excited about how much i have (vinyl, external hard drive, multiple genres) and he suggests the next time we hang out he comes over to my house and we go through it all. so as you know (or don't) i live with my momsies and my uncle is getting ready to move in (my bro moved out in july). me, uncle and momsies. i tell him that is cool and he could even meet my mom (please note although i used a sarcastic tone, i was being totally serious. i mean you come to my house, i live with my mom, it's totally going to happen). idk if it was the way i worded it but he was like "oh that's too soon." yeah you think? first off ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you, you only meet my family if you are in like flynn (too many austin power references today) and there are/were very few romantic interests of mine that make it to that. i mean come on, am i really going to let you meet my momsies? hell no unless you are at least my "don't call him my boyfriend boyfriend," or as liz would say "wtf (insert guy's name here)."
so i'm 30 and live with my mom. i'm also 1/2 puerto rican and that's how we operate on a cultural level. common american societal pressures dictate this whole independence thing and say when we're 30, we should have it all together right? i mean i totally freaked out about "i'm 30, single, living with my family" etc. so what did i do? i consolidated my debts and bought life insurance. that's responsible yes, but why do i care? while my mom drives me crazy sometimes (and trust me, i know that's reciprocated), it's okay i live with her. it's okay i'm still single. there's nothing REALLY telling me these things, so why am i buying into it? no more letting societal pressures dictate this life of mine, nope.
so i found it profoundly interesting that this man made that comment. it sucks writing this sometimes, there's no inflection. but if you could have heard him say that "oh it's too soon" comment, you would've heard the condescending, judgmental tone that translated to "oh you live with yr mom." epic fail on his part - if a man can't handle the fact that i am close enough with my mom to live with her - then that's a deal breaker. if a man can handle that, i'll think about letting him meet momsies when we hit the "wtf (insert guy's name here)" stage.
9.15.2010
how about an update. and some alternative blog shoutouts.
so it's been a hot minute. it happens. so here we go!
i had first date #15 approximately a month and a half ago...brunch. what a fabulous first date idea. not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, and i will say brunch is my favorite meal ever. we met at mattie's diner at the nc music factory, which has a cool back story. i won't go into details, but let's just say it's an authentic, fully restored 1950s diner from the 50s. from the cherry pie in the glass display cases to the mini-jukeboxes in each booth, it's fabulous. listen to me, now i'm starting to sound like Liz. here's my shoutout to Liz and her fab foodie blog eagergourmand.blogspot.com.
back to #15. when he initially emailed me the first email was titled, "hey, how about a date" fabulous. i was impressed. not like the typical "hi, how are you" subject lines or "wanna chat" crap women typically get on these freebie online dating sites. so we exchanged a few emails, i gave him my Google Voice number and we decided to meet. on a side note, if you don't have a Google Voice number ladies, get one. it's so rad. forwards to your phone, free domestic calls/txts/etc, you can mark numbers as "spam" and so much more.
but i digress. so we meet. and there were two things physically that i was not digging. first off, he said on his profile he was 5'9", which is my minimum height requirement. hey, if i decide at some point i do want children, i should give them a fighting chance at being taller than me! now i'm 5'1", and anyone who's taller than me is tall, right? well i can tell when yr lying, and this guy was 5'6". hmmm. not that i was going to write him off for lying, hey if i could get away with it, i might think about doing the same thing. then again, i don't wear heels all the time. so that was one thing. the other thing you will either think i'm a heinous bitch or freaking hilarious, but people you can't make this stuff up. so looking at him straight on, his ears were fine and normal. but profile, wow. like a freaking elf. i am so not kidding. do a google image search of "elf ears" and you'll get the idea. i'm so not exaggerating this. bless his heart.
so aside from the physical stuff, we're having a nice time. as you know i'm working on giving men a fair shot, so i'm giving the guy a chance. during the course of our conversation, he asks what i'm looking for; i tell him what everyone else is looking for but doesn't want to say: a good start. he replies he's looking for a friend first because while he's not married, he's not divorced either. he's been legally separated for 6 months and is in the process of obtaining custody for his biological child and his two stepchildren. yes, you read that right.
now i'm open to dating someone with kids (my past dating experiences are screaming "no! don't do it!") but don't really prefer it. i would like it if a potential mate is divorced and has allowed the ink on his papers to dry, but legally separated is a deal breaker for me. so needless to say when he mentions it's necessary to be friends first, i reply (forgive me, i'm paraphrasing), "well under your circumstances OF COURSE we would have to be friends first. but i'm not looking for a friend (insert #15's name here)." so that was that.
-----------------------
after this date, i updated my profile even more to reflect more of my personality and what i'm looking for versus "have a job, a car and a clean criminal record." if you would like to see my profile and what i've written, let me know and i'll send you a link.
so #9 emailed me on the dating site! it was glorious. since i changed my picture and got descriptive, he wrote me complimenting my picture and asked, "why did we stop talking again?" so Carmen (shoutout to Carmen and her journey to weight loss blog goodbyegorda.com) tells me, just be honest. and boy was i. again epic for me. so i wrote him back the following:
(insert #9's name here),
i had fun with you, but honestly i felt more of a friend vibe than a dating vibe. plus the ass-grabbing thing made me uncomfortable; no hard feelings though. good luck on yr search!
cheers,
Vivian
-----------------------
so between then and now i haven't been on any first dates. i have recently however started talking to two new guys. maybe first dates soon to come? i will say (and you will all be so proud of me) is i'm being honest to these guys about my dating experience online when they ask. let's examine...
so the first guy seems cool; nc native, rocker type, does commercial installations and used to be on a NASCAR pit crew. jackstacks would be so proud. very attractive in his pictures, and he's cool on the phone, but we haven't met yet. so the other night we're talking and he asked me what my experiences have been on the dating site. so i level set with him: i've been on 15 first dates, one turned into a second date, and nothing else has come out of it. i told him about the #9 fiasco and promised him i would not refer to him as a number...i'll keep you posted on that.
the other guy literally moved here just weeks ago from OH for work. no friends here, no family, just work. and he's 6'3" and looks like he played a lot of football. i digress. funny on the phone, real down to earth, mostly looking for someone to kind of show him the city and hang and have a good start.
on we go!
since i'm doing these shoutouts, how about shoutout to my ladies at JuneBug Talk! junebugtalking.blogspot.com. and last but not least, shoutout to Beth and her rad blog My Believable Life. bethosbornemba.com/wordpress/
oh and one last thing: whenever a guy has asked me why i'm still single, i am telling him that it's because i have a fear of commitment and i didn't give guys a fair shot. PS - they really want to know...i think.
i had first date #15 approximately a month and a half ago...brunch. what a fabulous first date idea. not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, and i will say brunch is my favorite meal ever. we met at mattie's diner at the nc music factory, which has a cool back story. i won't go into details, but let's just say it's an authentic, fully restored 1950s diner from the 50s. from the cherry pie in the glass display cases to the mini-jukeboxes in each booth, it's fabulous. listen to me, now i'm starting to sound like Liz. here's my shoutout to Liz and her fab foodie blog eagergourmand.blogspot.com.
back to #15. when he initially emailed me the first email was titled, "hey, how about a date" fabulous. i was impressed. not like the typical "hi, how are you" subject lines or "wanna chat" crap women typically get on these freebie online dating sites. so we exchanged a few emails, i gave him my Google Voice number and we decided to meet. on a side note, if you don't have a Google Voice number ladies, get one. it's so rad. forwards to your phone, free domestic calls/txts/etc, you can mark numbers as "spam" and so much more.
but i digress. so we meet. and there were two things physically that i was not digging. first off, he said on his profile he was 5'9", which is my minimum height requirement. hey, if i decide at some point i do want children, i should give them a fighting chance at being taller than me! now i'm 5'1", and anyone who's taller than me is tall, right? well i can tell when yr lying, and this guy was 5'6". hmmm. not that i was going to write him off for lying, hey if i could get away with it, i might think about doing the same thing. then again, i don't wear heels all the time. so that was one thing. the other thing you will either think i'm a heinous bitch or freaking hilarious, but people you can't make this stuff up. so looking at him straight on, his ears were fine and normal. but profile, wow. like a freaking elf. i am so not kidding. do a google image search of "elf ears" and you'll get the idea. i'm so not exaggerating this. bless his heart.
so aside from the physical stuff, we're having a nice time. as you know i'm working on giving men a fair shot, so i'm giving the guy a chance. during the course of our conversation, he asks what i'm looking for; i tell him what everyone else is looking for but doesn't want to say: a good start. he replies he's looking for a friend first because while he's not married, he's not divorced either. he's been legally separated for 6 months and is in the process of obtaining custody for his biological child and his two stepchildren. yes, you read that right.
now i'm open to dating someone with kids (my past dating experiences are screaming "no! don't do it!") but don't really prefer it. i would like it if a potential mate is divorced and has allowed the ink on his papers to dry, but legally separated is a deal breaker for me. so needless to say when he mentions it's necessary to be friends first, i reply (forgive me, i'm paraphrasing), "well under your circumstances OF COURSE we would have to be friends first. but i'm not looking for a friend (insert #15's name here)." so that was that.
-----------------------
after this date, i updated my profile even more to reflect more of my personality and what i'm looking for versus "have a job, a car and a clean criminal record." if you would like to see my profile and what i've written, let me know and i'll send you a link.
so #9 emailed me on the dating site! it was glorious. since i changed my picture and got descriptive, he wrote me complimenting my picture and asked, "why did we stop talking again?" so Carmen (shoutout to Carmen and her journey to weight loss blog goodbyegorda.com) tells me, just be honest. and boy was i. again epic for me. so i wrote him back the following:
(insert #9's name here),
i had fun with you, but honestly i felt more of a friend vibe than a dating vibe. plus the ass-grabbing thing made me uncomfortable; no hard feelings though. good luck on yr search!
cheers,
Vivian
-----------------------
so between then and now i haven't been on any first dates. i have recently however started talking to two new guys. maybe first dates soon to come? i will say (and you will all be so proud of me) is i'm being honest to these guys about my dating experience online when they ask. let's examine...
so the first guy seems cool; nc native, rocker type, does commercial installations and used to be on a NASCAR pit crew. jackstacks would be so proud. very attractive in his pictures, and he's cool on the phone, but we haven't met yet. so the other night we're talking and he asked me what my experiences have been on the dating site. so i level set with him: i've been on 15 first dates, one turned into a second date, and nothing else has come out of it. i told him about the #9 fiasco and promised him i would not refer to him as a number...i'll keep you posted on that.
the other guy literally moved here just weeks ago from OH for work. no friends here, no family, just work. and he's 6'3" and looks like he played a lot of football. i digress. funny on the phone, real down to earth, mostly looking for someone to kind of show him the city and hang and have a good start.
on we go!
since i'm doing these shoutouts, how about shoutout to my ladies at JuneBug Talk! junebugtalking.blogspot.com. and last but not least, shoutout to Beth and her rad blog My Believable Life. bethosbornemba.com/wordpress/
oh and one last thing: whenever a guy has asked me why i'm still single, i am telling him that it's because i have a fear of commitment and i didn't give guys a fair shot. PS - they really want to know...i think.
8.04.2010
the doomed question.
ask anyone who's single and they hate it when people say...
"you're too picky."
"there's plenty of fish in the sea."
"it happens when yr not looking."
but probably the #1 thing you don't want to ask someone who's single?
"so, why are you still single?"
#14 totally posed this question to me via instant messenger. my response?
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=24519920&Gt1=32023
and it was a great way to avoid the question (what i realize now is my favorite game of all). his response? an email the equivalent of a one-page Word document titled "in defense of a question." i won't bore you with all the details but i will say his reasoning for asking was whether people were self-aware of why they are single. "i feel so much can be learned from a response to 'why are you still single' that the fact of whether or not it is cliché is a moot point." he elaborated with many sub-questions like "do they blame everyone but themselves? do they accept they are part of the problem? do they have the strength to break the cycle?...if you get asked why yr breath stinks all the time, fix yr breath don't blame people for asking and call it cliché." (yes he really said that ha)
#14 has a point. i wouldn't go so far as to compare it to stinky breath or body odor, but it was the first time someone called me out for avoiding the question, aside from the fact he used the word "erect" ha, the quote that really got me to answer him (somewhat, not completely) honestly was, "I only ask in order to know more about, to get closer to who you are beyond the walls you erect."
and i welcomed the chance to be somewhat honest since i find it hard to believe any man would really want to hear the truth behind that question.
so here it is; my complete honest answer for you.
i am still single by my own doing for two reasons...
1. my fear of commitment, and
2. not giving the men i date a fair shot.
before i delve into each reason specifically, i would like to note for the past year this is something i have been wondering...why AM i still single? is it my blossoming career (stop laughing) or my perpetually busy social calendar? no...so i began thinking, what's the common denominator? i took a serious look (and many late night talks with a male acquaintance with loads of insight) at all my past failed relationships, romantic or not. what's the common denominator? what do all these individuals share? was it a personality trait? no wait...that common denominator is me.
what a conundrum reason 1 is. i never went farther than the dating phase with men b/c i did not want to be in a relationship, but i did. that makes absolutely no sense and i know that. but the one serious relationship i was in was completely codependent and such a skewed reality of what a relationship should be...what can i say? i was so young, so stupid, so vulnerable and not wanting to get hurt. the breakup from that relationship hurt yes, but the "breakup" that really hurt the most? my dad passing away. that was the worst hurt from a man i've ever experienced. it's so easy to throw up walls when you don't want to get hurt, or rather the fear of getting hurt...
reason 2 is valid, some would argue otherwise but i believe to some extent it is valid. don't get me wrong, there were plenty of losers i fancied and got involved with b/c it was fun and games on some level. of course there are people i (the collective we) have dated that i either lost interest in, weren't attracted to, etc., but i had this uncanny ability of nitpicking the men i dated. not to his face, but in my head. i would think, "he's just TOO good to be true; there MUST be something wrong with him." and what would i do? i would purposefully find something wrong with him, and then drop him like a hot potato, blaming him for his "inadequacies" or "problems."
don't get me wrong, no one is perfect, but really our inherent flaws fall into two categories: is it a deal breaker or not? for example, let's take a criminal record. for me personally, if he got a DUI, it would not be a deal breaker. now if he was arrested for aggravated assault on a female, THAT'S a deal breaker. too much PDA too soon? not a deal breaker (some would like to argue). grabbing my ass on the second date? THAT'S a deal breaker (thanks #9). feel me?
so with these "issues" that were not deal breakers, maybe just maybe if i had shared with them my feelings on the matter ("hey, you say the word 'retarded' a lot and it really bothers me on a fundamental level"), i might have broken down a few bricks on my wall and kept progressing, but i would not. instead i played my favorite game of all: avoidance. avoid his phone calls, avoid his emails, avoid his text messages. it's too bad; again not all were winners, but others i did not give that fair shot of at least communicating and giving it a chance.
i had a trainer at my last job who said the best quote ever: "yr life is yr fault." it's so true. of the things you control, yr life IS yr fault. my single status is obviously to some extent my fault. it's awesome to know this! for so long i displaced it on these men, blaming them for my lack of a relationship.
at the same time, i felt the aforementioned article was valid. the point the author was trying to make (and in my opinion had some trouble conveying it) was this:
when you are single, you may or may not know why yr single. some people go their whole lives not knowing. i feel blessed i have chosen this path of self-exploration and learned along the way; others aren't so lucky. either way, hearing cliché blanket statements is bound to piss you off, especially when it's coming from people who are already in relationships. some people place their bets entirely on fate/chance/destiny/serendipity/etc...to me, meeting someone and truly connecting with them is more than just that.
so the next time a guy asks me, "so, why are you still single?" maybe i'll think about giving him my candid answer. or maybe not. because let's be honest, do they really want to know?
"you're too picky."
"there's plenty of fish in the sea."
"it happens when yr not looking."
but probably the #1 thing you don't want to ask someone who's single?
"so, why are you still single?"
#14 totally posed this question to me via instant messenger. my response?
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=24519920&Gt1=32023
and it was a great way to avoid the question (what i realize now is my favorite game of all). his response? an email the equivalent of a one-page Word document titled "in defense of a question." i won't bore you with all the details but i will say his reasoning for asking was whether people were self-aware of why they are single. "i feel so much can be learned from a response to 'why are you still single' that the fact of whether or not it is cliché is a moot point." he elaborated with many sub-questions like "do they blame everyone but themselves? do they accept they are part of the problem? do they have the strength to break the cycle?...if you get asked why yr breath stinks all the time, fix yr breath don't blame people for asking and call it cliché." (yes he really said that ha)
#14 has a point. i wouldn't go so far as to compare it to stinky breath or body odor, but it was the first time someone called me out for avoiding the question, aside from the fact he used the word "erect" ha, the quote that really got me to answer him (somewhat, not completely) honestly was, "I only ask in order to know more about, to get closer to who you are beyond the walls you erect."
and i welcomed the chance to be somewhat honest since i find it hard to believe any man would really want to hear the truth behind that question.
so here it is; my complete honest answer for you.
i am still single by my own doing for two reasons...
1. my fear of commitment, and
2. not giving the men i date a fair shot.
before i delve into each reason specifically, i would like to note for the past year this is something i have been wondering...why AM i still single? is it my blossoming career (stop laughing) or my perpetually busy social calendar? no...so i began thinking, what's the common denominator? i took a serious look (and many late night talks with a male acquaintance with loads of insight) at all my past failed relationships, romantic or not. what's the common denominator? what do all these individuals share? was it a personality trait? no wait...that common denominator is me.
what a conundrum reason 1 is. i never went farther than the dating phase with men b/c i did not want to be in a relationship, but i did. that makes absolutely no sense and i know that. but the one serious relationship i was in was completely codependent and such a skewed reality of what a relationship should be...what can i say? i was so young, so stupid, so vulnerable and not wanting to get hurt. the breakup from that relationship hurt yes, but the "breakup" that really hurt the most? my dad passing away. that was the worst hurt from a man i've ever experienced. it's so easy to throw up walls when you don't want to get hurt, or rather the fear of getting hurt...
reason 2 is valid, some would argue otherwise but i believe to some extent it is valid. don't get me wrong, there were plenty of losers i fancied and got involved with b/c it was fun and games on some level. of course there are people i (the collective we) have dated that i either lost interest in, weren't attracted to, etc., but i had this uncanny ability of nitpicking the men i dated. not to his face, but in my head. i would think, "he's just TOO good to be true; there MUST be something wrong with him." and what would i do? i would purposefully find something wrong with him, and then drop him like a hot potato, blaming him for his "inadequacies" or "problems."
don't get me wrong, no one is perfect, but really our inherent flaws fall into two categories: is it a deal breaker or not? for example, let's take a criminal record. for me personally, if he got a DUI, it would not be a deal breaker. now if he was arrested for aggravated assault on a female, THAT'S a deal breaker. too much PDA too soon? not a deal breaker (some would like to argue). grabbing my ass on the second date? THAT'S a deal breaker (thanks #9). feel me?
so with these "issues" that were not deal breakers, maybe just maybe if i had shared with them my feelings on the matter ("hey, you say the word 'retarded' a lot and it really bothers me on a fundamental level"), i might have broken down a few bricks on my wall and kept progressing, but i would not. instead i played my favorite game of all: avoidance. avoid his phone calls, avoid his emails, avoid his text messages. it's too bad; again not all were winners, but others i did not give that fair shot of at least communicating and giving it a chance.
i had a trainer at my last job who said the best quote ever: "yr life is yr fault." it's so true. of the things you control, yr life IS yr fault. my single status is obviously to some extent my fault. it's awesome to know this! for so long i displaced it on these men, blaming them for my lack of a relationship.
at the same time, i felt the aforementioned article was valid. the point the author was trying to make (and in my opinion had some trouble conveying it) was this:
when you are single, you may or may not know why yr single. some people go their whole lives not knowing. i feel blessed i have chosen this path of self-exploration and learned along the way; others aren't so lucky. either way, hearing cliché blanket statements is bound to piss you off, especially when it's coming from people who are already in relationships. some people place their bets entirely on fate/chance/destiny/serendipity/etc...to me, meeting someone and truly connecting with them is more than just that.
so the next time a guy asks me, "so, why are you still single?" maybe i'll think about giving him my candid answer. or maybe not. because let's be honest, do they really want to know?
7.27.2010
divacurlz: the pseudonym.
since i was in hi skool, i've always called myself a divastar. but everyone keeps taking my damn word and i want to know why. seriously party people. i invented it. divastar is like sasha fierce's older, badass sister. she's totally fabulous and chic, yet down-to-earth like people always say about stars in their vanity fair and playboy interviews.
so on the dating site i'm on, there are 14 ladies whose username is "divastar" of some variation. everything from "divastar" with "wtf" to "divastarchild." so because i refuse to do some variation of divastar on the dating site, i decide on this:
divacurlz.
why divacurlz? because maybe it kicks divastar in the ass. maybe it's anything but the obvious. maybe it's because my hair was curly that day and i thought having diva in my username was way more important than star. either way, i get asked that question all the time by men. of course my pic as you can see has my straight hair. i don't usually put a curly hair pic on there.
i'm thinking of changing my username to "starchild" to pay homage to jamiroquai but i'd rather not deal with the questions, i'm not too witty when it comes to sarcastic responses...
but the online dating pseudonym is interesting since it totally makes everyone question why they picked what they picked. i mean seriously, if you have a pseudonym that reads something like "what yr looking for" or "totallyradjim," i'm not feeling it. if you quote a movie character name that's awesomely bad, i'll think about whether or not i'm feeling it. either way there's the question of how you picked it. so at least you have an idea of how i picked mine.
so one of the first emails i received when i joined a second dating site was from a gross older man (who looked like someone's dad) whose pseudonym on this site (not on another site, but i'll get to that) had the reference of being a golfer and a nurse in it. this guy totally wrote to me and to make a long story short told me he built these fucking machines for bdsm.
now considering i didn't know what the whole acronym meant, i went to wikipedia to find out. holy crap. that was way more informative than anyone could ever ask for. i'll tell you what though, telling this story to other people was fascinating. since i've never seen it, someone said "oh like burn after reading." i guess. well this guy totally did that. gotta admire his honesty, but that was such a banana sandwich and i mean crazy!
now one would think, "if he's saying this in his first email to someone, then he MUST put this on his profile." so i go look. guess what? nothing. not a damn thing! oh did i mention he sent me a link to his youtube channel where he has demonstrations (not with people but just turning it on) of how his "machines" work. and his username on youtube? it's referencing master (since he so kindly pointed out to me in the email that he's a "dom") and his first name. if you've been on this site, apparently every woman gets an email from him.
i wish his name on the dating site (not the youtube) was the master + first name. i think that would've made me laugh more than golfer + nurse.
so on the dating site i'm on, there are 14 ladies whose username is "divastar" of some variation. everything from "divastar" with "wtf" to "divastarchild." so because i refuse to do some variation of divastar on the dating site, i decide on this:
divacurlz.
why divacurlz? because maybe it kicks divastar in the ass. maybe it's anything but the obvious. maybe it's because my hair was curly that day and i thought having diva in my username was way more important than star. either way, i get asked that question all the time by men. of course my pic as you can see has my straight hair. i don't usually put a curly hair pic on there.
i'm thinking of changing my username to "starchild" to pay homage to jamiroquai but i'd rather not deal with the questions, i'm not too witty when it comes to sarcastic responses...
but the online dating pseudonym is interesting since it totally makes everyone question why they picked what they picked. i mean seriously, if you have a pseudonym that reads something like "what yr looking for" or "totallyradjim," i'm not feeling it. if you quote a movie character name that's awesomely bad, i'll think about whether or not i'm feeling it. either way there's the question of how you picked it. so at least you have an idea of how i picked mine.
so one of the first emails i received when i joined a second dating site was from a gross older man (who looked like someone's dad) whose pseudonym on this site (not on another site, but i'll get to that) had the reference of being a golfer and a nurse in it. this guy totally wrote to me and to make a long story short told me he built these fucking machines for bdsm.
now considering i didn't know what the whole acronym meant, i went to wikipedia to find out. holy crap. that was way more informative than anyone could ever ask for. i'll tell you what though, telling this story to other people was fascinating. since i've never seen it, someone said "oh like burn after reading." i guess. well this guy totally did that. gotta admire his honesty, but that was such a banana sandwich and i mean crazy!
now one would think, "if he's saying this in his first email to someone, then he MUST put this on his profile." so i go look. guess what? nothing. not a damn thing! oh did i mention he sent me a link to his youtube channel where he has demonstrations (not with people but just turning it on) of how his "machines" work. and his username on youtube? it's referencing master (since he so kindly pointed out to me in the email that he's a "dom") and his first name. if you've been on this site, apparently every woman gets an email from him.
i wish his name on the dating site (not the youtube) was the master + first name. i think that would've made me laugh more than golfer + nurse.
7.26.2010
7.25.2010
and so it starts.
so approximately 3 months ago i decided to rejoin the dating world. i picked the online realm (for the third time) for a few reasons, but mostly it's easier to cyberstalk; with the ridiculous amounts of social media outlets coupled with public records online, it's too fantastic to pass up. so between then and now, i have had 13 first dates. 13 FIRST DATES. only one of the 13 (#9, but we'll get to him later) turned into a second date. i honestly don't remember all of them and wish i had started this sooner, but the most memorable of the 13 are below...
#1
after spending 4 hours together, when the bill came he asked, "How do you want to do this? I'll leave it up to you."
#3
good first date (coffee), stood me up for date #2.
#7
great indian food, total gent, used to date a friend of mine and he just cd not move past that.
#9
only time it turned into a second date. second date was great: sushi dinner, blues band at double door after. i realized throughout the course of the date that i wasn't physically attracted to him since he slightly resembled on of my best friends' ex-fiancee...so he kissed me at the end of the night and grabbed my ass. after nervously laughing at him, he asked why i laughed i replied, "bc i made me laugh," and he countered, "oh, bc i grabbed yr ass?" and then proceeded to grab both cheeks with both hands. needless to say i did not hear from him again, so glad he got the hint.
#14
great night at a french bakery, when i get home he texts me and asks me if i have a problem with the fact that he has a lingerie fetish.
------------------------------------------------
something interesting to note is i have a sexy Vivi pic on my profile. finally one of my friends asked me if i thought i invited a certain type of man based on that pic. i think she makes a good point. so i changed my pic.
------------------------------------------------
so i've decided to start this blog and chronicle my crazy dating antics in the hopes that...well i don't know. maybe entertain you, and maybe so i can remember this craziness.
#1
after spending 4 hours together, when the bill came he asked, "How do you want to do this? I'll leave it up to you."
#3
good first date (coffee), stood me up for date #2.
#7
great indian food, total gent, used to date a friend of mine and he just cd not move past that.
#9
only time it turned into a second date. second date was great: sushi dinner, blues band at double door after. i realized throughout the course of the date that i wasn't physically attracted to him since he slightly resembled on of my best friends' ex-fiancee...so he kissed me at the end of the night and grabbed my ass. after nervously laughing at him, he asked why i laughed i replied, "bc i made me laugh," and he countered, "oh, bc i grabbed yr ass?" and then proceeded to grab both cheeks with both hands. needless to say i did not hear from him again, so glad he got the hint.
#14
great night at a french bakery, when i get home he texts me and asks me if i have a problem with the fact that he has a lingerie fetish.
------------------------------------------------
something interesting to note is i have a sexy Vivi pic on my profile. finally one of my friends asked me if i thought i invited a certain type of man based on that pic. i think she makes a good point. so i changed my pic.
------------------------------------------------
so i've decided to start this blog and chronicle my crazy dating antics in the hopes that...well i don't know. maybe entertain you, and maybe so i can remember this craziness.
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