so having recently turned 30 and freaking out tremendously about it (as my last post was only the tip of the iceberg), i thought why not? let's clear the air.
i look at my 30s as the middle child of ages - yr not youthful anymore (goodbye 20s and irresponsibility), but yr not quite old (hello 40s, "established," "seasonal," "continental" as one friend put it). and it's definitely an interesting decade to be single.
granted i've only been 30 for less than a month, but looking around it's crazy. the majority of my friends are either married, engaged, in a relationship, have children or a combination of the aforementioned. i can literally count the amount of single grrlfriends i have on both hands (in their 30s-40s). i also have plenty of friends who are legally separated or divorced, with or without kids. so our experiences, although different, are sometimes similar in their own right.
sometimes it's hard being in my current situation: i'm 30, single, living with my momsies (and soon to be uncle). that can put a damper on things since i don't want a potential mate to meet my family until i know he's committed. while i was completely insecure about it before, i realize it's who i am now: i'm a 30-something dutchorican living with momsies. and that's totally okay! accept it or as jay-z would say, "on to the next one."
but it's hard at the same time to look around at everyone else and say that i feel okay with where i'm at. because let's face it: what fun is life if you don't have that one person to share it with? what fun is going through the crazy roller coaster that can be our experiences if there isn't that one person yr emotionally intimate with? i'm not talking about yr best friend, sibling or family member. but i guess dating is like the lottery - you gotta play to win.
what i'm finding though is the men i've come into contact with over the years either want to be my friend or just get physical. or the ones that do want a relationship want it to materialize out of thin air. what's up with that? what kind of vibe am i sending out? or is it that they can't handle this? or they don't want to work for it? i'm still marinating on that one.
so being 30, i'm implementing a new rule for dating that someone told me they used when they were still single (now happily married for quite some time with kids), and i really liked it - date within yr decade. so i'm expanding my horizons to include older men (up to 40). let's see how many i can find that are completely single, no kids, never been married. because what i'm finding as i get older is that is so hard to come by.
i was out with one of my older grrlfriends the other night(a total cougar in her own right - grown kids, single, smokin' bod, i wish i look as good as her when i grow up!), and i struck up a conversation with a guy who's 38, single with children, and very attractive. when asked, i told him i had never been married or had any kids. you know what this one told me? that i was "a rarity." really? i guess i never knew.
9.26.2010
9.22.2010
let's talk epic fail. or not. you make the call.
#16 is a nice guy, he really is. #16 was from my last post (the one who literally moved here weeks ago from OH). we went out for one drink so he could go home and write code. yes code. again way smarter than me (at least when it comes to that). and true to his pics, he's built like a brick shithouse. so we go to a bar, and we get our one drink, and as we're wandering around (he's never been there before), he doesn't want to sit off in a corner and kind of wants to be in the action but at a place we can still hear each other and talk. fair enough. but with music blasting from a speaker in my ear and the tons of chatter around, it's difficult to hear. especially since although we are sitting, he is literally a foot taller than me (more than that, he's 6'3") with a low, deep voice.
so one drink, okay convo until we start talking about music. this gets him excited about how much i have (vinyl, external hard drive, multiple genres) and he suggests the next time we hang out he comes over to my house and we go through it all. so as you know (or don't) i live with my momsies and my uncle is getting ready to move in (my bro moved out in july). me, uncle and momsies. i tell him that is cool and he could even meet my mom (please note although i used a sarcastic tone, i was being totally serious. i mean you come to my house, i live with my mom, it's totally going to happen). idk if it was the way i worded it but he was like "oh that's too soon." yeah you think? first off ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you, you only meet my family if you are in like flynn (too many austin power references today) and there are/were very few romantic interests of mine that make it to that. i mean come on, am i really going to let you meet my momsies? hell no unless you are at least my "don't call him my boyfriend boyfriend," or as liz would say "wtf (insert guy's name here)."
so i'm 30 and live with my mom. i'm also 1/2 puerto rican and that's how we operate on a cultural level. common american societal pressures dictate this whole independence thing and say when we're 30, we should have it all together right? i mean i totally freaked out about "i'm 30, single, living with my family" etc. so what did i do? i consolidated my debts and bought life insurance. that's responsible yes, but why do i care? while my mom drives me crazy sometimes (and trust me, i know that's reciprocated), it's okay i live with her. it's okay i'm still single. there's nothing REALLY telling me these things, so why am i buying into it? no more letting societal pressures dictate this life of mine, nope.
so i found it profoundly interesting that this man made that comment. it sucks writing this sometimes, there's no inflection. but if you could have heard him say that "oh it's too soon" comment, you would've heard the condescending, judgmental tone that translated to "oh you live with yr mom." epic fail on his part - if a man can't handle the fact that i am close enough with my mom to live with her - then that's a deal breaker. if a man can handle that, i'll think about letting him meet momsies when we hit the "wtf (insert guy's name here)" stage.
so one drink, okay convo until we start talking about music. this gets him excited about how much i have (vinyl, external hard drive, multiple genres) and he suggests the next time we hang out he comes over to my house and we go through it all. so as you know (or don't) i live with my momsies and my uncle is getting ready to move in (my bro moved out in july). me, uncle and momsies. i tell him that is cool and he could even meet my mom (please note although i used a sarcastic tone, i was being totally serious. i mean you come to my house, i live with my mom, it's totally going to happen). idk if it was the way i worded it but he was like "oh that's too soon." yeah you think? first off ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you, you only meet my family if you are in like flynn (too many austin power references today) and there are/were very few romantic interests of mine that make it to that. i mean come on, am i really going to let you meet my momsies? hell no unless you are at least my "don't call him my boyfriend boyfriend," or as liz would say "wtf (insert guy's name here)."
so i'm 30 and live with my mom. i'm also 1/2 puerto rican and that's how we operate on a cultural level. common american societal pressures dictate this whole independence thing and say when we're 30, we should have it all together right? i mean i totally freaked out about "i'm 30, single, living with my family" etc. so what did i do? i consolidated my debts and bought life insurance. that's responsible yes, but why do i care? while my mom drives me crazy sometimes (and trust me, i know that's reciprocated), it's okay i live with her. it's okay i'm still single. there's nothing REALLY telling me these things, so why am i buying into it? no more letting societal pressures dictate this life of mine, nope.
so i found it profoundly interesting that this man made that comment. it sucks writing this sometimes, there's no inflection. but if you could have heard him say that "oh it's too soon" comment, you would've heard the condescending, judgmental tone that translated to "oh you live with yr mom." epic fail on his part - if a man can't handle the fact that i am close enough with my mom to live with her - then that's a deal breaker. if a man can handle that, i'll think about letting him meet momsies when we hit the "wtf (insert guy's name here)" stage.
9.15.2010
how about an update. and some alternative blog shoutouts.
so it's been a hot minute. it happens. so here we go!
i had first date #15 approximately a month and a half ago...brunch. what a fabulous first date idea. not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, and i will say brunch is my favorite meal ever. we met at mattie's diner at the nc music factory, which has a cool back story. i won't go into details, but let's just say it's an authentic, fully restored 1950s diner from the 50s. from the cherry pie in the glass display cases to the mini-jukeboxes in each booth, it's fabulous. listen to me, now i'm starting to sound like Liz. here's my shoutout to Liz and her fab foodie blog eagergourmand.blogspot.com.
back to #15. when he initially emailed me the first email was titled, "hey, how about a date" fabulous. i was impressed. not like the typical "hi, how are you" subject lines or "wanna chat" crap women typically get on these freebie online dating sites. so we exchanged a few emails, i gave him my Google Voice number and we decided to meet. on a side note, if you don't have a Google Voice number ladies, get one. it's so rad. forwards to your phone, free domestic calls/txts/etc, you can mark numbers as "spam" and so much more.
but i digress. so we meet. and there were two things physically that i was not digging. first off, he said on his profile he was 5'9", which is my minimum height requirement. hey, if i decide at some point i do want children, i should give them a fighting chance at being taller than me! now i'm 5'1", and anyone who's taller than me is tall, right? well i can tell when yr lying, and this guy was 5'6". hmmm. not that i was going to write him off for lying, hey if i could get away with it, i might think about doing the same thing. then again, i don't wear heels all the time. so that was one thing. the other thing you will either think i'm a heinous bitch or freaking hilarious, but people you can't make this stuff up. so looking at him straight on, his ears were fine and normal. but profile, wow. like a freaking elf. i am so not kidding. do a google image search of "elf ears" and you'll get the idea. i'm so not exaggerating this. bless his heart.
so aside from the physical stuff, we're having a nice time. as you know i'm working on giving men a fair shot, so i'm giving the guy a chance. during the course of our conversation, he asks what i'm looking for; i tell him what everyone else is looking for but doesn't want to say: a good start. he replies he's looking for a friend first because while he's not married, he's not divorced either. he's been legally separated for 6 months and is in the process of obtaining custody for his biological child and his two stepchildren. yes, you read that right.
now i'm open to dating someone with kids (my past dating experiences are screaming "no! don't do it!") but don't really prefer it. i would like it if a potential mate is divorced and has allowed the ink on his papers to dry, but legally separated is a deal breaker for me. so needless to say when he mentions it's necessary to be friends first, i reply (forgive me, i'm paraphrasing), "well under your circumstances OF COURSE we would have to be friends first. but i'm not looking for a friend (insert #15's name here)." so that was that.
-----------------------
after this date, i updated my profile even more to reflect more of my personality and what i'm looking for versus "have a job, a car and a clean criminal record." if you would like to see my profile and what i've written, let me know and i'll send you a link.
so #9 emailed me on the dating site! it was glorious. since i changed my picture and got descriptive, he wrote me complimenting my picture and asked, "why did we stop talking again?" so Carmen (shoutout to Carmen and her journey to weight loss blog goodbyegorda.com) tells me, just be honest. and boy was i. again epic for me. so i wrote him back the following:
(insert #9's name here),
i had fun with you, but honestly i felt more of a friend vibe than a dating vibe. plus the ass-grabbing thing made me uncomfortable; no hard feelings though. good luck on yr search!
cheers,
Vivian
-----------------------
so between then and now i haven't been on any first dates. i have recently however started talking to two new guys. maybe first dates soon to come? i will say (and you will all be so proud of me) is i'm being honest to these guys about my dating experience online when they ask. let's examine...
so the first guy seems cool; nc native, rocker type, does commercial installations and used to be on a NASCAR pit crew. jackstacks would be so proud. very attractive in his pictures, and he's cool on the phone, but we haven't met yet. so the other night we're talking and he asked me what my experiences have been on the dating site. so i level set with him: i've been on 15 first dates, one turned into a second date, and nothing else has come out of it. i told him about the #9 fiasco and promised him i would not refer to him as a number...i'll keep you posted on that.
the other guy literally moved here just weeks ago from OH for work. no friends here, no family, just work. and he's 6'3" and looks like he played a lot of football. i digress. funny on the phone, real down to earth, mostly looking for someone to kind of show him the city and hang and have a good start.
on we go!
since i'm doing these shoutouts, how about shoutout to my ladies at JuneBug Talk! junebugtalking.blogspot.com. and last but not least, shoutout to Beth and her rad blog My Believable Life. bethosbornemba.com/wordpress/
oh and one last thing: whenever a guy has asked me why i'm still single, i am telling him that it's because i have a fear of commitment and i didn't give guys a fair shot. PS - they really want to know...i think.
i had first date #15 approximately a month and a half ago...brunch. what a fabulous first date idea. not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, and i will say brunch is my favorite meal ever. we met at mattie's diner at the nc music factory, which has a cool back story. i won't go into details, but let's just say it's an authentic, fully restored 1950s diner from the 50s. from the cherry pie in the glass display cases to the mini-jukeboxes in each booth, it's fabulous. listen to me, now i'm starting to sound like Liz. here's my shoutout to Liz and her fab foodie blog eagergourmand.blogspot.com.
back to #15. when he initially emailed me the first email was titled, "hey, how about a date" fabulous. i was impressed. not like the typical "hi, how are you" subject lines or "wanna chat" crap women typically get on these freebie online dating sites. so we exchanged a few emails, i gave him my Google Voice number and we decided to meet. on a side note, if you don't have a Google Voice number ladies, get one. it's so rad. forwards to your phone, free domestic calls/txts/etc, you can mark numbers as "spam" and so much more.
but i digress. so we meet. and there were two things physically that i was not digging. first off, he said on his profile he was 5'9", which is my minimum height requirement. hey, if i decide at some point i do want children, i should give them a fighting chance at being taller than me! now i'm 5'1", and anyone who's taller than me is tall, right? well i can tell when yr lying, and this guy was 5'6". hmmm. not that i was going to write him off for lying, hey if i could get away with it, i might think about doing the same thing. then again, i don't wear heels all the time. so that was one thing. the other thing you will either think i'm a heinous bitch or freaking hilarious, but people you can't make this stuff up. so looking at him straight on, his ears were fine and normal. but profile, wow. like a freaking elf. i am so not kidding. do a google image search of "elf ears" and you'll get the idea. i'm so not exaggerating this. bless his heart.
so aside from the physical stuff, we're having a nice time. as you know i'm working on giving men a fair shot, so i'm giving the guy a chance. during the course of our conversation, he asks what i'm looking for; i tell him what everyone else is looking for but doesn't want to say: a good start. he replies he's looking for a friend first because while he's not married, he's not divorced either. he's been legally separated for 6 months and is in the process of obtaining custody for his biological child and his two stepchildren. yes, you read that right.
now i'm open to dating someone with kids (my past dating experiences are screaming "no! don't do it!") but don't really prefer it. i would like it if a potential mate is divorced and has allowed the ink on his papers to dry, but legally separated is a deal breaker for me. so needless to say when he mentions it's necessary to be friends first, i reply (forgive me, i'm paraphrasing), "well under your circumstances OF COURSE we would have to be friends first. but i'm not looking for a friend (insert #15's name here)." so that was that.
-----------------------
after this date, i updated my profile even more to reflect more of my personality and what i'm looking for versus "have a job, a car and a clean criminal record." if you would like to see my profile and what i've written, let me know and i'll send you a link.
so #9 emailed me on the dating site! it was glorious. since i changed my picture and got descriptive, he wrote me complimenting my picture and asked, "why did we stop talking again?" so Carmen (shoutout to Carmen and her journey to weight loss blog goodbyegorda.com) tells me, just be honest. and boy was i. again epic for me. so i wrote him back the following:
(insert #9's name here),
i had fun with you, but honestly i felt more of a friend vibe than a dating vibe. plus the ass-grabbing thing made me uncomfortable; no hard feelings though. good luck on yr search!
cheers,
Vivian
-----------------------
so between then and now i haven't been on any first dates. i have recently however started talking to two new guys. maybe first dates soon to come? i will say (and you will all be so proud of me) is i'm being honest to these guys about my dating experience online when they ask. let's examine...
so the first guy seems cool; nc native, rocker type, does commercial installations and used to be on a NASCAR pit crew. jackstacks would be so proud. very attractive in his pictures, and he's cool on the phone, but we haven't met yet. so the other night we're talking and he asked me what my experiences have been on the dating site. so i level set with him: i've been on 15 first dates, one turned into a second date, and nothing else has come out of it. i told him about the #9 fiasco and promised him i would not refer to him as a number...i'll keep you posted on that.
the other guy literally moved here just weeks ago from OH for work. no friends here, no family, just work. and he's 6'3" and looks like he played a lot of football. i digress. funny on the phone, real down to earth, mostly looking for someone to kind of show him the city and hang and have a good start.
on we go!
since i'm doing these shoutouts, how about shoutout to my ladies at JuneBug Talk! junebugtalking.blogspot.com. and last but not least, shoutout to Beth and her rad blog My Believable Life. bethosbornemba.com/wordpress/
oh and one last thing: whenever a guy has asked me why i'm still single, i am telling him that it's because i have a fear of commitment and i didn't give guys a fair shot. PS - they really want to know...i think.
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