ask anyone who's single and they hate it when people say...
"you're too picky."
"there's plenty of fish in the sea."
"it happens when yr not looking."
but probably the #1 thing you don't want to ask someone who's single?
"so, why are you still single?"
#14 totally posed this question to me via instant messenger. my response?
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=24519920&Gt1=32023
and it was a great way to avoid the question (what i realize now is my favorite game of all). his response? an email the equivalent of a one-page Word document titled "in defense of a question." i won't bore you with all the details but i will say his reasoning for asking was whether people were self-aware of why they are single. "i feel so much can be learned from a response to 'why are you still single' that the fact of whether or not it is cliché is a moot point." he elaborated with many sub-questions like "do they blame everyone but themselves? do they accept they are part of the problem? do they have the strength to break the cycle?...if you get asked why yr breath stinks all the time, fix yr breath don't blame people for asking and call it cliché." (yes he really said that ha)
#14 has a point. i wouldn't go so far as to compare it to stinky breath or body odor, but it was the first time someone called me out for avoiding the question, aside from the fact he used the word "erect" ha, the quote that really got me to answer him (somewhat, not completely) honestly was, "I only ask in order to know more about, to get closer to who you are beyond the walls you erect."
and i welcomed the chance to be somewhat honest since i find it hard to believe any man would really want to hear the truth behind that question.
so here it is; my complete honest answer for you.
i am still single by my own doing for two reasons...
1. my fear of commitment, and
2. not giving the men i date a fair shot.
before i delve into each reason specifically, i would like to note for the past year this is something i have been wondering...why AM i still single? is it my blossoming career (stop laughing) or my perpetually busy social calendar? no...so i began thinking, what's the common denominator? i took a serious look (and many late night talks with a male acquaintance with loads of insight) at all my past failed relationships, romantic or not. what's the common denominator? what do all these individuals share? was it a personality trait? no wait...that common denominator is me.
what a conundrum reason 1 is. i never went farther than the dating phase with men b/c i did not want to be in a relationship, but i did. that makes absolutely no sense and i know that. but the one serious relationship i was in was completely codependent and such a skewed reality of what a relationship should be...what can i say? i was so young, so stupid, so vulnerable and not wanting to get hurt. the breakup from that relationship hurt yes, but the "breakup" that really hurt the most? my dad passing away. that was the worst hurt from a man i've ever experienced. it's so easy to throw up walls when you don't want to get hurt, or rather the fear of getting hurt...
reason 2 is valid, some would argue otherwise but i believe to some extent it is valid. don't get me wrong, there were plenty of losers i fancied and got involved with b/c it was fun and games on some level. of course there are people i (the collective we) have dated that i either lost interest in, weren't attracted to, etc., but i had this uncanny ability of nitpicking the men i dated. not to his face, but in my head. i would think, "he's just TOO good to be true; there MUST be something wrong with him." and what would i do? i would purposefully find something wrong with him, and then drop him like a hot potato, blaming him for his "inadequacies" or "problems."
don't get me wrong, no one is perfect, but really our inherent flaws fall into two categories: is it a deal breaker or not? for example, let's take a criminal record. for me personally, if he got a DUI, it would not be a deal breaker. now if he was arrested for aggravated assault on a female, THAT'S a deal breaker. too much PDA too soon? not a deal breaker (some would like to argue). grabbing my ass on the second date? THAT'S a deal breaker (thanks #9). feel me?
so with these "issues" that were not deal breakers, maybe just maybe if i had shared with them my feelings on the matter ("hey, you say the word 'retarded' a lot and it really bothers me on a fundamental level"), i might have broken down a few bricks on my wall and kept progressing, but i would not. instead i played my favorite game of all: avoidance. avoid his phone calls, avoid his emails, avoid his text messages. it's too bad; again not all were winners, but others i did not give that fair shot of at least communicating and giving it a chance.
i had a trainer at my last job who said the best quote ever: "yr life is yr fault." it's so true. of the things you control, yr life IS yr fault. my single status is obviously to some extent my fault. it's awesome to know this! for so long i displaced it on these men, blaming them for my lack of a relationship.
at the same time, i felt the aforementioned article was valid. the point the author was trying to make (and in my opinion had some trouble conveying it) was this:
when you are single, you may or may not know why yr single. some people go their whole lives not knowing. i feel blessed i have chosen this path of self-exploration and learned along the way; others aren't so lucky. either way, hearing cliché blanket statements is bound to piss you off, especially when it's coming from people who are already in relationships. some people place their bets entirely on fate/chance/destiny/serendipity/etc...to me, meeting someone and truly connecting with them is more than just that.
so the next time a guy asks me, "so, why are you still single?" maybe i'll think about giving him my candid answer. or maybe not. because let's be honest, do they really want to know?
